So I’ve noticed that a lot of girls have this funny way of talking. Any by funny, I mean obnoxious. It’s like every statement that they make must be spoken like a question. You know, where the last words of the sentence increase in pitch? And the last syllable of the last word must drag on foreverrr?
It’s hard for me to sound this out in print form, for obvious reasons. But I hope you can catch my drift. Try not to let my lack of proficiency in the phonetic alphabet deter you from comprehending what I’m talking about. I guarantee you that you’ve heard someone talk like this before. Some examples include:
Standard US English Pronunciation: “I really want to go to Bobby’s friend’s brother’s roommate’s sister’s party.”
Obnoxious Girl US English Pronunciation: “I really want to go to Bobby’s friend’s brother’s roommate’s sister’s partehhhhh?”
Standard US English Pronunciation: “I like to frequent the local Starbucks because the atmosphere is way intellectual.”
Obnoxious Girl US English Pronunciation: “I like to frequent the local Starbucks because the atmosphere is way intellectuallllll?”
I’ve found this to be most common among the female population who likes to wear oversized sunglasses and So Low pants. But maybe that’s just me being stereotypical.
Seriously though, I do wonder why girls talk like this. It makes them sound so incredibly unintelligent. I know plenty of girls in my classes who speak like this, even though they are obviously smart. I’ve witnessed these girls have a conversation in another language with our teacher, but, when conversing in their native tongue, they can’t seem to sound even remotely self-confident or smart.
Maybe it’s a “strength in numbers” type of idea, where they’re unsure of what they really want to say, or are afraid of how others around them might respond, so they figure if they phrase it as a question and their peers agree with them, then they’re cool. It’s like, “hey, I’m just gonna throw this out thereeee? I’m gonna state it as a queshtinnn, just in case you guys don’t want to agree with mehh? Which is totally cool if you don’t. Just let me know though, okehhh? I don’t want people to think I’m an idiot.”
Um, too late.
I wonder how these people go for job interviews. If I was in charge of—let’s say, just randomly,—a PR or advertising firm, and sat down with a chick like this to hire her, I’d probably want to throw her out of my 26 story window that overlooks the Hudson River. Because I would be confused as to what the hell she’s saying, and concerned as to whether or not she even knows what she’s saying.
Anyway, I propose that in order to solve this growing epidemic, we think back to our childhood Disney movies and “pull an Ursula” and rip out the vocal chords of each female we encounter who speaks in this manner, a la The Little Mermaid.
If that doesn’t work, maybe we can just stop responding to them and hope that they’ll go mute the natural way.
So I’ve noticed that a lot of girls have this funny way of talking. Any by funny, I mean obnoxious. It’s like every statement that they make must be spoken like a question. You know, where the last words of the sentence increase in pitch? And the last syllable of the last word must drag on foreverrr? 
